My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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