that's an acceptable place to lick
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
