Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
