I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
