where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
