She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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