Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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