Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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