it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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