I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
