quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
