Well apparently he's into motor boating.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
