So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I smell like Dick and happiness
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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