4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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