Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
