If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
