When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
