I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
