You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
she peed on how many people?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
