Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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