I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize