Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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