I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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