Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
