Hey man sorry I got all grabby
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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