Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
