I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
and you fell through a lawn chair
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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