That's intense
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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