You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
