My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
