I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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