Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Randomize
