he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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