i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
