So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
