No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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