Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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