How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
