After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
