i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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