I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
