I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
