woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
