I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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