i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
