Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
