I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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