tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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