the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
