just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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