Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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