I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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