He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
