a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
