I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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