It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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