i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
